Revelations On A Gym Floor

Blogging is different things to different people. For me, it has been a way of opening up and freeing myself of my thoughts (some profound and others...well, maybe not so profound!). This accomplishes a couple of things. First off, I am a little less burdened by these thoughts when I have released them and second of all, I am living up to my personal dare to be who I am. Imagining that millions of people are going to read this (haha!) is intimidating but also a little exhilarating, to be honest, because I'm totally and completely putting myself out "there". And learning to be ok with that has been one of my greatest and my most humbling accomplishments.

An intro like that can only lead to one thing: a confession. It really, really annoys the heck out of me when people comment on my body. Last Friday, over the course of let's say an hour, four different people pointed out that I am skinny - and not in a positive way. It was more along the lines of "What's wrong with you?" and definitely did not make me feel good. I shrugged it off with a half-smile as I always do and told myself that it didn't matter, but it must have mattered, because the next morning as I drove to the gym I found myself thinking about it. A lot.

I had a gazillion thoughts floating through my head - why did these people feel it was ok to talk about my body, if I was overweight would they have the gall to do the same, what was I supposed to say in response to these comments, why did it bother me so much...and it went on. I am not the type of person to use sarcasm when addressing somebody. I believe it is the lowest form of humour, if it can even be called humour. And I'm just not a confrontational type of person. I would feel worse about myself if I was rude to somebody, though I believe there is a fine line somewhere in there between standing up for yourself and being rude. I just haven't figured out where the line is, so I try to err on the safe side and just not say anything. But that never seems to get me very far either. Frustrated and annoyed that I was starting out my weekend with this weighing on me, I walked through the rec centre entrance, swiped my card (after digging through my wallet for like 5 minutes and making a mental note to start decluttering!) and made my way downstairs to the class.

We had another substitute instructor who was upfront about her obsession with dance and promised us a cardio workout integrating dances like soca (oh my...so much jumping on a Saturday morning!), salsa and swing. Swing?, I thought. If it's possible to smirk in your head, that's what I did. Anyway, for the first 40 minutes of the class, all through the soca and salsa and what I swear could only be called "kick the bleep out of the invisible person in front of you" I recounted the comments I heard about my body. To be honest, part of the reason I couldn't keep up with some of those moves was that my body was expending so much energy on thinking about those people and how upsetting my encounters with them were.

But THEN the perky 20-something year old instructor announced that we were going to do some SWING! OK, so here's another confession - I don't really know a lot about dance, like the names that go with the moves. And for some reason I always associated swing with...old people! So I wasn't getting any more excited about my day as the instructor popped into the next room to switch up her CD. But when the music came on, everything changed! This was swing? I love this upbeat, you-gotta-smile-when-you-hear-it stuff! We did some basic steps and all I really remember is flailing my limbs about and having fun! I couldn't actually contain my smile and truth be told, a few giggles escaped when I wasn't looking. It was just fun and I was so thankful for that moment.

That's when I realized that there was something else I should be really thankful for that I don't believe I acknowledge often enough - and that is, my body. It does a lot for me. It gets me through my day and it does so quite easily. Everything I do and everything I am, it's because I have this body that is there for me every single day. It is literally the vehicle for my spirit. I couldn't type this post, or write, or cook, or hug my kids, or anything without it. And I don't remember the last time I consciously thought about that. Now, I'm not the kind of person who looks in the mirror and picks apart my facial features, or frowns at my butt, or wills my breasts to grow. But I have heard myself say to other people, "I wish I had muscular soccer legs" and "I don't think being skinny is very attractive". And my poor body is listening to that! Right there, in the middle of those basic swing steps, it dawned on me that I better start showing my body the love and respect it deserves! And maybe, just maybe, I am inviting these unwanted criticisms by subconsciously putting that vibe out there.

I'm not saying that these people are justified in saying what they did, nor were all the other people who have said these things to me over the past few years. (By the way, I have never been a big person so it surprises me when people go out of their way to comment on my frame...it's true I am smaller than I was when I ate a steady diet of cheese, bread and McDonald's but that's kind of a no-brainer, isn't it?). But that's their story and I can only control and live mine.

So there, a deep confession, and how I worked out this latest revelation in my cardio class!

In terms of how I will respond to future comments about my body - I'm still not sure but it's not consuming me anymore because I have this new, positive focus. I will ask that if you find yourself in a position where you might be judging someone else for the way they look, talk, walk, dress, parent...whatever...please remember this post and how your one comment may be one in many that that person has to hear. And you know what they say...something about a camel and a broken back.

Thanks for reading...